BREATHLESS

And today, this quotation from an MSN article titled "CO2 Emissions Must Cease" --
A reasearcher, ever so scientifically, says: "each unit of CO2 emissions must be viewed as leading to quantifiable and essentially permanent climate change on centennial timescales."
In other words, if you wait long enough, everything that's producing CO2 will damage the environment, the climate, the planet.

DUH. Isn't this what the second law of thermodynamics addresses--only (laughably) in a thermally opposite fashion? It's a law, like the law of gravity. And it states that everything is slowing down, falling apart, and ultimately getting colder, older and more worn out. So why is everyone so amazed? Do any of us have the experience of anything we buy getting newer, in better shape, shinier and more useful? (twould be nice for all those analog TVs, eh?)

But we have a perfectly logical solution to this tremendous danger that will ultimately cause us all to buy oceanfront property in Barstow. If i may, in the spirit of Jonathan Swift, be so modest to propose it: Stop breathing.

That's it. JUST STOP BREATHING. We all learned from very young ages that one of the most basic things to human life is that we breathe air and in exchange that wonderful oxygen, we exhale the horrible, nasty, CO2. We have met the enemy and they is us, as Pogo once stated so dramatically.

I'm sure that soon, there will be a Center for Less Breathing, fully funded by the nations of the Kyoto Accord, studying ways to get people to breathe less. After all, with every breath, with every new life, the threat of global warming increases! Soon, there will be a "Smother Me Elmo" doll, along with Sesame Streeet programs promoting that tots stay indoors and sit still to preserve the environment. And the very idea of going running or hiking will be abhorrent, because as we all know, those activities require more O2 and (gasp!) put out greater amounts of the enemy, CO2!

But we'll all be safe in our little computer rooms, breathing less and less...this is WAAY better than buying carbon credits. Now the shallow breather, the asthmatic, the man with one lung will be our new heroes! Away with those who think they have the right to BREATHE THE AIR and INCREASE THE CO2! Death to those who think they can run, or play, or (heaven forbid!) breathe deeply and exhale the poisonous gas!

Of course, we could plant a tree for each person who's born. Which would neatly take care of the problem. But then, that's so easy and so practical that one could NOT start a movement, a foundation, a research group, funded by the fears of the inevitable.

In the immortal words of Mister Bill: "We're all gonna die." Imagine.